God Save the Queer
"God Save the Queer" is the 3rd episode of Once Upon a Penis. Summary Pornocchio and the Ballserina release all of the prisoners of the golden castle, causing a commotion inside its walls, and try to escape with their lives. Meanwhile, the Evil Queer is annoyed by the uproar, and grows weary when he is warned of the presence of someone that could mean his disgrace. In the flashbacks, we learn what drove the Queer to want to cast the curse. Plot 'Teaser' "'Barfie, you can't be serious'," the little prince says, in his characteristic high pitch, as he plays with his favorite doll, Pin-Up Barfie, the latest in the Barfie franchise, and the most expensive. The doll had been given to his older sister, Princess Abigoat, but little Joshooa liked it so much that Abby found it in her tender heart to give it to him. And now, the two of them, the little royals, played together in Abigoat's room, with their dolls. Joshooa would spend most of his free time in his sister's room, for it was so enchanting: all pink, all over. His own room was blue and boring. No princessy motifs. Little Joshooa continues his little tale: "'You stole my boyfriend, you slag'." Abigoat, playing with a doll representing one of Barfie's friends, plays along: "'He wouldn't come to me if he was getting it at home.'" "'Oh, you've really done it this time'," Josh says, as Barfie. He gets the doll's arm to move and slap the other doll. The two children giggle. "We tell the best stories. So dramatic and original," Joshooa says. "Yes, I'm sure father would enjoy our stories. We best go and tell them to him." Josh nods. Elsewhere, in the grey castle, King Midass is having a meeting, in his office, at the round table. King Lionfart is visiting, from a neighboring kingdom, for business, and the two kings are starting to see things eye to eye on certain important matters. "So, you see, this is why I believe the fusion of our kingdoms would be most beneficial for the both of us, and the people we represent," the honorable Midass says. Lionfart nods in agreement. "You make a grand case, my good man, and I will be sure to sign that treaty with you. I see great things in the future of both our kingdoms." The two kings shake their hands. And then Midass' young children barge into the office, much to his chagrin. "Abigoat! Joshooa! I thought I had warned you not to interrupt our private meeting!" "We're sorry, father," Abigoat says, "We just wanted to tell you the story we made up." Midass tells his daughter now is not the time, and King Lionfart, who has a soft spot for children, starts to say, "That's quite alright, Midass. Let the youngins tell their tale." Midass smiles slightly and gives the children permission to do just this. But once they start playing with their dolls again, recounting the elaborate trama they concocted, Midass' eyes grow wide with fury. "Joshooa!! Are you playing with dolls again?!" Josh looks worried. His father had told him many times that young men don't play with dolls, but he enjoyed it so much he always let it fall on deaf ears. Lionfart smirks. "Father, I just..." "Leave," Midass interrupts his own son, coldly, "Leave my field of sight. Retreat to your chamber, and stay there until supper." Joshooa gets up, and starts to tear up. Lionfart is further amused by this. Abigoat feels sad for her little brother. Midass turns to his fellow king, and apologizes for this, for them being interrupted by his unruly children. "Kids, you know? Now, back to our negotiation..." Lionfart scoffs at this and tells him, "Oh, no, no, there will be no negotiation." He chuckles. Midass is confused. "Come again?" "I refuse to sign anything, to form any sort of partnership, with a man who can't even bring up his son right. You expect me to merge my kingdom with the kingdom you hold in your hands, when you can't even use your hands to raise your boy to be a man? Look at him, what a little... little... queer." Joshooa's feelings are incredibly hurt when he hears this, and he starts to cry, fully. He looks up at his father, hoping to see an understanding look, but instead, Midass gazes at his son with rage in his eyes, almost fuming out of his mouth. The flashback ends. "Say hi to Barfie," Joshooa, now king, tells his father, "Oh, that's right... you killed Barfie." Midass, now deprived of his royal title, sits in his golden cage, on his golden bed, where he sleeps every night and despairs every day, uncomfortably. Outside of the bars, the Evil Queer, his own flesh and blood, taunts him, as he holds up an old, beheaded Barfie doll. "You came into my sister's room... scolded her for allowing me to, well, be myself... and you cut off the heads of every doll she had. Didn't even ask a henchman of yours to do it. It was one thing you didn't mind getting your hands dirty for, right, father?" "Indeed..." Midass says, "Because I am your father. It was, and still is, my duty to bring you up right. No other man should do it for me." "I'm not a little boy anymore, father," the Evil Queer tells him. "You're no man either. Nothing but a little queer..." The Queer smirks, snidely. "I have to hand it to you, you don't give up on your principles. I defeated you. Humiliated you before the entire court. Took your throne, your crown and your title. Took your kingdom. And your dignity... You sit in a cage as we speak, but you still maintain your own... No apologies... No approval... No support whatsoever coming from you." Midass looks calm. "I love you," he says. The Queer is surprised by this. "Do you now?" he says, the look on his face having changed. "Very much..." the rightful king continues, "But you are never going to get my approval. Because you, are so much more than just a mere queer now... You have become a monster." "I guess that's how you raised me, then." "Yes... I should have picked you up when you were a child and jumped into the ocean with you in my arms the moment I realized what you were." Joshooa is shocked by this. He looks hurt. "If only I had..." Midass continues, "I knew you were a queer and yet I allowed you to live. Out of my love for you. Had I known what you would become, I would have killed you." "It would have been your disgrace!!" Josh says, irritated, "A king murdering his own son? Yeah, the people would eat that up!" "That's why I would've died with you," Midass says, still calmly, "I would have gladly given up my life to ensure that you lost yours... and that none of this would happen." Josh starts to tear up. "There it is..." Midass taunts him, "All that power, and you're still a little queer on the inside... the same boy that was driven to tears anytime someone yelled at him." Josh starts to cry out of rage and frustration. "And as it is, anyway, you have me locked up. Your own father. And yet the people do nothing about it." "Because they all fear me, father," the Queer says, "You talk about my power when you actually have no idea how great it is. The dark forces I have aligned myself with to succeed. I am undefeatable. A God on this earth." He wipes his tears, and Midass simply tells him, "You should hope to be right. Because if you're not, then the real God, well... he'll be coming for you. Remember: God hates queers..." ONCE UPON A PENIS 'Act I' "I feel... scared... Like I can't be truly happy, you know?" Joshooa is now an adult, 18 years of age, lying naked in bed with his lover, one arm over his bare chest, their legs entwined. Peeter, a simple shepherd and aspiring hunter, smiles and asks his boyfriend why. "Because... I love you so much. You complete me, and being with you, it fills me with this... euphoria, you know?" Peeter kisses his forehead, and Joshooa continues: "But... what we do... is so sinful." "It doesn't feel sinful," Peeter tells him, "It feels just right to me. Doesn't it to you?" "You're the only thing in my life that feels right to me... But gays are even more hated than blacks. If we were to ever be discovered, they'd have our heads on spikes. I hate that... that we have to live a lie." Peeter's smile fades, and he says he wishes things were better. Josh rests his head on his lover's right shoulder, still with a worried look on his delicate face. "Lie to me," he asks. "I shouldn't," Peeter says, "Lies are no good, they bring you no good. I used to be quite the liar when I was a kid, you know? I would tell my parents and the people in my village that our sheep were being attacked by wolves. Just for laughs. They grew weary of this. And one night, something did come for the sheep. I tried to warn the people, but they didn't believe me, with good reason not to. All the sheep were harvested. They blamed me." "I'm sorry..." Joshooa says, "But, still... I need you to lie to me." Peeter looks at him with sympathy as he caresses his forehead. And then he says, "It's going to be alright. Everything will be fine. We will get married and adopt children, and live happily ever after, like a gay old family." Joshooa doesn't even crack a smile. It is as though hearing these things about the life he too wishes for the both of them, but that he knows they will never get, makes the pain bigger. "Liar..." he says. The Queer sits on his golden throne, in the present day, looking as depressed as ever. "Hi! Hi! HIHIHIHIHIHI!!" "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!" the Queer finally shouts at his annoyingly cheerful Imp, "What the hell do you want?!" "Your Majesty, you looked unhappy. I wanted to tell you everything is going to be alright. I promise. I never break a promise to you, Sir." "I am, honest to God, sick of your less-than-infectious good spirits, Imp. I know you think the curse will be cast, I know you know I will succeed, I get it, now, leave me be." "Oh, I just meant that we will catch all the escaped prisoners, Sir, especially the one that beat me up and started the whole thing." "You WHAT??!!!" Elsewhere in the castle, a golden knight is sent flying through the air by a former prisoner who is more mastodon than man. More than a hundred prisoners have been released from their cells in the dungeons, which is a true testament to the relentlessness of the Evil Queer in pursuing and punishing those he deems to be unworthy of life. More than a hundred people were to be executed... that week. The dozens of prisoners run for their lives, battling off the golden knights as they can. Chaos ensues. Men and women fighting for their freedom, knights following orders. Hidden from the confusion are Pornocchio and the Ballserina, who have sought asylum in a guest bathroom. "We should take the opportunity to escape," the young dancer tells her companion, "Take advantage of the commotion." "It's a bloodbath out there," Porn tells her, "We could get caught in the crossfire. Don't wanna take those chances." They peek out through the semi-closed door, at the carnage taking place just outside. "What are we gonna do...?" the young girl asks, almost losing hope. "I don't know..." Porn says, looking just as concerned, but more pensive. In the blue palace nearby, Rena Charming sits in the main living room, on a luxurious couch, with the fairytale book he'd had all his life on his lap. He leafs through the pages, immersed in a rendition of the story of "Pinocchio". Cinderali approaches him, looking curious. He looks up at her, and she asks if she may sit by his side. He nods affirmatively, and she does just this, getting close to him. She skims through the pages he is reading, and comments, "A boy made of wood? That is too farfetched, even for our land." "You're saying there's no Pinocchio out there?" Rena asks, looking almost disappointed. "I have no idea what you're referring to," she tells him. "Shame... I... I kinda wanna meet all of the greats, you know? Peter Pan, Alice, Aladdin..." "Are those people friends of yours?" Ali asks, "Have they also been brought here?" "Forget it," Rena says. The Big Bad Dog and Blow White enter the room, and the white animal, who is bringing Blow by the wrist as she curses him, asks his friends for help getting the princess off his back. Ali asks what's wrong, and the Dog tells her, "Your bff here keeps wanting to get me in trouble with the law. She wants to call the knights on me." Ali asks why, and Blow blurts out that he's the Big Bad Dog, and that his head is on "wanted" posters all across the land now. "Is this true?" Ali asks. Rena is confused and rather shocked. The Dog sighs and says he can explain it. He just doesn't really feel much like it. "I'm sure you can," Ali says, normally. "You mean...?" he starts to ask. "You've been nothing but helpful to us since we met. You have even taken our dearly arrived hero to see the Dark One when he refused to take our call. I believe you have a kind heart. And it's not like the Evil Queer needs great justification to send warrants out for people's arrest and execution. You're safe here in my home." The Dog smiles, touched by her kindness and faith in him, and thanks her. Blow looks annoyed. "Ugh. Fine. Whatever. You know, this Saint Cinderali act is starting to chap my ass. We could have used the reward money, you know? I wanna fly to Cumalot." "You have planes here?" Rena asks. "The fuck is a plane?" Blow asks in turn, "We fly on dragons." Rena's eyes widen. "Holy crap! I wanna ride a dragon!" "And I wanna ride your big cock but I can't cos Ali here has a crush on you, so we can't all get what we want, now can we?" Ali looks at her, completely flabbergasted. "What?" Blow says, "Oh, shit..." Ali looks down. Rena doesn't know how to react. The Dog looks awkward too. "Well, this is very awkward," Blow says, "I'll just leave you all to this. I'm gonna go throw rocks at peasants from the balcony." She leaves the room, and everyone else is left in silence. "This will not stand!! This is not what I want!! This is not what I planned!!" the Queer shouts from a safe place high up above the atrium where the big fight between prisoners and knights is taking place. Some of the commoners are able to overpower the trained soldiers and steal their weapons, using these against them, and sometimes even against each other. Hundreds of men and women fight, and dozens start to drop like flies. The Queer looks incredibly annoyed as he sees that he is starting to lose some of his best men. "Get Merkin up here!!" he orders his loyal lackey, but the Imp reminds him that none of the sorcerers he has locked up can leave the dungeons. "The spell keeps them inside, Sir... they can't come out and fix this." The Queer looks further infuriated, but not defeated. "Then I guess I'll just have to call... the Dark One." "Kiss me," Joshooa tells Peeter, as they still lie in bed together. "With pleasure." They kiss. And then they practically jump with fright when the door is kicked open by a white knight. King Midass comes in, looking incredibly angry. His hands are covered by white leather gloves, the only part of his attire that isn't gold. "Father!" Josh says, frightened, having been caught in the sinful act. "Joshooa..." Midass maintains an eerie calm as he addresses his son, his eyes rolled up to face the ceiling rather than the naked young men before him, "Get dressed. Now. And then tell your little friend goodbye, for you are to never see him again." "Father, no!! Please, I love Peeter!!" "Peeter..." Midass looks disgusted, and he finally looks at the young shepherd, "God, even his fucking name means 'penis'... Could you be any gayer?" "Daddy..." Josh starts to cry. "I swear, if you get all sissy on me again, Joshooa, I will backhand you! Get dressed! Come! Now!" Johnson doesn't know what to say or do, in the presence of the merciless king. Washed in tears, Josh gets dressed and joins his father and the knight. "Do it. Now." Josh turns to his boyfriend, and says, with his face all red, "G-goodbye..." 'Act II' "You don't know how to start a fire?!" She is genuinely surprised as she asks the young royal this question. To her, it seems like such an easy task. Prince Joshooa spins her, and once she's done spinning, Alison faces him again, her gloved left hand on his right shoulder, and she smiles. In that moment, he is confused. All his life he's known he's never been attracted to the opposite sex. And, to be fair, he still wasn't. But before him was... her. "I know, it's probably very easy for you," he says, "Being a prince, I've never been one for... well..." She smiles, and says, almost in a provocative fashion, "I'm sure you've always had someone ready and willing to tend to those tasks for you. Not that you would ever need to make up an impromptu fireplace in the woods. I'm sure this lovely golden castle has many luxurious fireplaces hanging about." They dance as just one of many, many couples twirling around in the grand golden ballroom, but it is as though all the attention is centered on them. The people that aren't dancing surround the waltzing couples, almost all of them gossiping about the young prince's companion, and wondering who she is. King Midass too looks on, from the balcony, accompanied by his right hand, the Grand Puke, and wondering. The lovely young lady hadn't been introduced as a debutant. No one accompanied her to the ball. She sure was beautiful though... And that blue dress complimented her so much. And she moved so gracefully on those tiny glass slippers. "You must think I'm a lummox," the prince says, embarrassed. She keeps smiling, her characteristic rosy-red smile, and tells him, "For the time being I just think you're charming." "Charming?" he asks, now smiling too. "Yes. A real live Prince Charming." They continue dancing. "Well, I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." And he means it. And she is. She is touched by this, and for a second there he wonders if he could maybe find happiness in the company of this beautiful woman. Life would be so much easier if he could... But his thoughts still stray towards the image of Peeter, every five seconds or so. "You seem distracted," she says. He looks awkward, not knowing what to say. She notices Lady Trampaine behind the people, looking about, trying to catch a peak of the beautiful stranger dancing with the prince. The prince she wanted either one of her obnoxious daughters to dance with, before some unknown tramp swooped in and enthralled him. Alison hides her face, twirling to make sure that the prince's back is turned to her stepmother. "As do you," he says, "You also seem distracted." They just smile at each other. "Why did you come to me...?" she asks. "There was... something about you. I could tell from the moment I saw you that... that you were special. You stood out." "How so?" "Like you didn't belong here," he answers. She looks sad. Almost as though she knows she's been caught. "I guess I responded to that because... neither do I," he finishes. She looks at him with surprise. They smile at each other. And continue waltzing. "Off with his head!!" the Evil Queer says in the present day, as two of his golden knights seize one of the escaped prisoners. A third knight raises his sword and decapitates the desperate middle-aged man. "Let this be a message for the rest of you!!" the Queer shouts from his balcony up above, "Seize your rebellion or you will suffer the same fate!!" His threat falls on deaf ears. All of those prisoners were sentenced to death anyway. One could argue death by hanging or immolation would be far less merciful than a clean, quick beheading. So they all kept on fighting for their lives and their freedom. "Summon the Dark One, now!!" the Queer shouts at the Imp, who makes a dash for another room to perform the same spell Ali had tried to contact the Dark One some time before. The Queer looks on at the chaos with utter rage. "Who did this...?" he wonders. "We'll never make it out alive..." the Ballserina starts to despair. Pornocchio peeks out through the semi-closed door again. The slaughter continues outside. "What are we gonna do?" she wonders. "We have to overpower two of the knights. Steal their armors. Make it out disguised," Porn suggests, "I think it's our only option." "That'll never work!" "This way!" a golden knight is heard saying. Through the door, Pornocchio can see two knights coming down the hall, swords in their hands, ready for battle. Ever the fast thinker, Pornocchio says to himself, in a low tone, but very, very quickly, "I love big black spiders tartar sauce skid marks drowning splinters and bags of flaming dog shit." Instantly, his penis grows big and horizontally, bursting through his pants again, and through the open space left by the door. The first golden knight trips on the wooden penis and falls to the floor. The second knight trips on the first and falls on top of him, sword first. "Oh, my God!! Holy shit!!" The second knight stands up shouting as he sees he has just accidentally impaled his companion in the back. He drops his own sword to tend to his mate, and Pornocchio quickly moves to pick it up and hits the second knight on the back of the head with it, knocking him out. The Ballserina emerges from the room. "Quick, help me drag them back inside," Porn says as he starts pulling the second black knight by the legs. Balls is impressed yet again. "The Fairy Godmother then asked Cinderella why she was so sad, and the young maid related all about the woes that had befallen her that very night." "Fairy Godmother? Who's that?" Ali asks with interest and curiosity, as Rena Charming reads to her the tale of "Cinderella" from his book of fairytales. "Well, she's this really powerful good fairy who comes and helps Cinderella make it to the ball." "I don't understand," Ali says, "I don't know a single Fairy Godmother. That is not at all how it happened to me. The details so far are quite similar, I can assure you, to what happened to me. But I never met a Fairy Godmother." "Then how did you make it to the ball?" Rena asks. Ali doesn't look like she wants to talk about it. "Okay..." Rena says, "Well, yeah, the Fairy Godmother is in pretty much every variation of the Cinderella story." "Well, then, it can't be me," Ali says, "We're just two people with similar stories. Sure, our names are also similar, but alas, she's Cinderella, I'm Cinderali. Quite the difference." "Not that big a difference... Anyway, her name isn't even Cinderella, really. Her stepfamily called her that mockingly because they made her sleep on a bed of cinders." Ali looks caught by surprise. And glum. Something hit her close to home. "Are you sure you want me to keep reading...?" Rena asks. Ali shakes off her memories and says, "Yes. Please do. I am rather curious." "No, I am curious," Rena says, "I want to know what I am meant to do in this world. You're all talking about me being this big prophecy boy, meant to save the land from a great evil, but all I've done so far is sit around. I feel useless." "You're not," she assures him, "Rumpleforeskin said he'd pop in now and then to provide you with directions. I guess all we can do now is just... play the waiting game. Surely if you do nothing, he'll get bored and show up to spice up things." Rena shrugs his shoulders and says, "I guess..." "Besides," she continues, "Just having you around provides great comfort. I was feeling rather... let's say 'shaken' before you got here. Before we met." Rena smiles at her, subtly, and then he gets back to what they were doing, reading from the book. "Look, just..." he stops himself to say, "We both know that... your 'fairytale' story didn't turn out very well. What with your prince becoming... that thing. 'Cinderella' is widely known for having a happy ending. I wouldn't want you to hear about it, and get even sadder that it didn't turn out that way for you." Ali is silent for two seconds, but then says, "Maybe her happy ending is contagious." Rena nods and continues reading. Elsewhere, in the castle, the Big Bad Dog and Blow White sit on opposite ends of the same table, trying to play cards. "Are you fucking kidding me?" the princess asks, utterly annoyed. "No... should I?" the Dog inquires. "How can you have never heard of me?" she blurts out, "ME??!! I'm a motherfucking princess!!" "There's tons of princesses in the Fairy Tale Land... in the Embiggened Forest alone." "I don't care!" Blow shouts, "None of them can hold a candle to me!! I am the princess! Numero uno, comprendes, bitch?! I am the top princess!" "Yeah, well, I'd never heard of you. Learn to deal with it," the Dog says, in a stoic fashion. "I had heard of you!" Blow says, "How dare you say my name had never hit your ugly dog ears?!" "Just play the damn cards..." he says, annoyed. "I am Blow White! Blow fucking White! Ya know?! Red apples? Talking to birds? The one with skin as white as snow, hair as dark as ebony and lips as red as the blood that comes out of my chocha every month?" "Look, lady, what does it matter? I didn't know who you were before, I do now. Just play the fucking cards." Blow sighs and puts a card before him. "Seven dwarfs?" she tries again. "Nope, nothing." "Fuck you..." The carnage continues below the Queer. One of the prisoners manages to overpower a knight and relieve him of his sword. He wields it for himself and shouts, "Death to the Evil Queer!!" This said, he lunges the sword with remarkable strength and precision towards the Queer, up on his balcony. His eyes widen as does his mouth as he sees death coming towards him several miles an hour, but suddenly the sword becomes a single red rose that touches him gently on his nose. The Queer gasps with relief, as Rumpleforeskin makes himself appear behind His Majesty. "Wasn't your time yet," the creature of darkness says, "Just because I didn't want it to be." "Thank you," the Queer says, "Now, if you please..." Rumple nods and, with a single twitch of his pulse, he makes the prisoner who lunged the sword at the Queer turn into a snail, which is almost instantly squashed by an oblivious knight who is already occupied with fighting off other escapees. "Fix this!!" the Queer demands of Rumple. "Fine, fine, why not?" He moves both his hands. And suddenly all of the surviving ex-prisoners disappear in multiple clouds of grey smoke. The knights are left befuddled. "What happened...?" the Ballserina wonders as the commotion comes to a sudden end. Now wearing their golden armors - Porn's armor with a gash through it, caused by the previous impalement, the couple leaves the bathroom, with caution. They look on at nothing but golden knights looking confused as they stand back up on their feet, recovering from the fight. Several bodies lie on the floor, of both knights and prisoners. Pornocchio notices Rumpleforeskin chatting with the Evil Queer on the golden balcony and looks alarmed. "Oh, God..." "Are they...?" "Yes, they are," Rumple interrupts the Queer, "All of the prisoners are now back in their prisons. The ones that survived, anyway." The Queer thanks him. "No need to thank me at all. We have such urgent matters to tend to, no point in wasting precious time with these little... distractions." The Queer wonders what he means, and Rumple says, "Oh, you haven't heard? Someone's shown up... A valiant... 'hero'? Seems like a fitting name to give him, yes." "A hero? 'Kay." "Not just that. He's... well, part of a longstanding prophecy. Older than time itself. One that dictates that a young man from elsewhere will come to our land and protect it from the greatest evil that ever threatened it." The Queer looks rather surprised and uneased. "You mean... Is... Would that be me?" "Well, you're not known for being Mr. Nice Guy," Rumple reminds him. "I am not afraid of prophecies!" the Queer states, "I am not afraid of anything! And no one, no one, will stand between me and my objectives! Do you understand?" Rumple looks entertained. "Tell me where I can find this... hero," the Queer says with disgust. "Where do you think? With her..." "'Her'..." the Queer looks confused. "You left her bed, Your Majesty. Poor thing had to find someone else to keep it warm." The Queer's eyes grow larger again. "No..." 'Act III' In a flashback, Prince Joshooa is seen packing up in a rush, looking afflicted. Alison enters the bedroom, wearing her nightgown. It is late at night, and she is combing her golden hair. Surprised and confused, she asks him what he is doing, and he looks at her, caught off-guard. "I... I..." He can't quite express himself. She notices what he is doing, and looks shocked. "You're leaving...? You're leaving me?" "Ali..." "What is happening...?" He moves towards her and grabs her arms. "I am so sorry," he says, almost tearing up, "But I can't stay." She asks why, and he says he's just not happy there. She looks desolate. A fear she's had for some time now confirmed so simply. "I knew it," she says, "We've been married for a week now, and you've been so, so distant." "It all happened so fast," Josh says, as he keeps packing, "We met a month ago, Ali, and now... So fast." He shoves some clothes into his bag, and Ali says, "So you don't love me? You never loved me?" Tears start streaming down her face. He looks at her and his heart breaks a little more, for her sake. He moves to caress her face and uses his right thumb to wipe some of her tears. "I do. I honestly do. You're one of the few people who have been kind to me in my life. You have a pure heart, Ali. And I am so sorry to hurt it." She is even more confused now, wondering why a man who seemingly likes her so is in such a hurry to leave her. "So... what is it? Is there another woman?" He scoffs at this, slightly, saying there isn't. "Because... because you told me I was the most beautiful woman you'd ever seen." "And you are," he confirms this, "You really are. I just... I..." "You love me... and you think I'm beautiful... I don't understand," she starts to stutter a little, "I-I don't underst-tand why..." She starts to sob. He hugs her, crying himself, and apologizes profusely for doing this. "I just... I thought I could learn to love you for real... To be in love with you... Oh, God, I wish I could... Life would be so much easier if I could." Ali's blue eyes shine with the tears they are bathed in, and she suddenly realizes something. "You're a homosexual..." Josh starts to shake. She breaks away from his embrace. "That is it, isn't it? It's why the king was in such a hurry to get you married. It's why we h-haven't once made love since we got married..." Josh starts to cry harder. "I am so sorry..." Ali says. Josh starts to sob. "I don't need your pity!" "I didn't mean..." "You can't tell me you're sorry because I'm a freak and think I'll be okay with it!" he lashes out at her. "I just meant... I am sorry that... That that's not alright... in our cruel world. I wish it were." Josh changes his reaction, as she continues: "You must... be in so much pain." He looks at her, lost, and he nods. She moves to hug him again. He breaks down in her arms. "I am so sorry..." she says, "Is there anything I can do?" "You h-have to let me go..." Ali nods, her forehead hitting his shoulder repeatedly, lightly. They both break away from each other, crying. "W-what should I tell everyone?" she asks as he closes up his bag. "I... I don't know," he says. He looks scared. Afraid of the consequences should he leave that blue palace. "I'll think of something," Ali says. She smiles, sadly. He does the same. He gives her one kiss on the forehead, and dashes out. She sits on the bed and brings one hand to her stomach, feeling sick. Her heart broken. "Hurry, Imp, hurry!" the Queer shouts as he and his loyal minion make their way to one of the golden royal carriages. "Yes, master, I'm hurrying." The two enter the train, and the Queer gives orders for the coachman to get the journey started. "Are you sure you want to see the princess, Your Majesty?" the Imp asks, sitting across from his beloved boss, "What if it brings back painful memories?" The Queer looks stern as always, as he answers, "I'm used to pain." "I can't believe you came back for me," Peeter, the poor shepherd's son, says as he finishes kissing his beloved prince. "I would go to Hell for you," Josh says. They kiss again. "What are we going to do...?" Josh wonders once they break off the kiss. Johnson looks worried too, but tries to act comforting towards his one true love. "We will think of something." Josh hugs him, in a mix of contentment, relief and agonizing concern. Suddenly, the door to Peeter's shack, which had been replaced, is once again kicked open by a white knight. The two sinful lovers are frightened, and Josh is brought to tears when he sees his father barging in with lackeys yet again. "No!!" The white knights aim their crossbows at them. "Do you take me for a fool?" Midass asks, looking enraged. "You leave your palace and your wife to tell me tall tales about how you went on some heroic journey from which you might not return. You, the biggest... fucking sissy I ever met." "Daddy..." "I knew I would find you here with him. I just knew it! You ungrateful little shit!" Midass slaps his son with his gloved hand. Johnson pushes the king, screaming that that's enough, but he is knocked with a crossbow by a knight and thrown to the floor. Josh moves to him. Midass composes himself, and tells his son, "You're lucky I kept my glove on..." "Daddy, please... please..." Midass does his best to keep a stern posture and to ignore his son's tears, which just fill him with annoyance, and some other feeling he can't quite describe. "All your life, I have been trying my best to get you to ignore those... sinful urges of yours. I knew what you were from a very young age, Joshooa, and being your father, I tried to protect you from yourself." "I didn't need you to protect me!!" Josh screams, having had enough as well, "You should have worried about protecting me from your curse! Protecting my sister from your own sin!" Midass is furhter aggravated. He continues: "I did everything. God is my witness, I did everything right. I set you up to marry a beautiful, fine young lady. But that wasn't good enough." "There is nothing wrong with me, father, I am just..." "A freak!!" Midass cuts him off, "God was clear to us since the dawn of time, homosexuals are the devil's children!" Peeter steps in, saying, "If you knew how much I love your son, and how much he loves me, you would see... there is nothing sinful about it. About us. All we have is love... true love. As pure as it comes." Josh is brought to tears even more, this time out of pride in his lover. They lock their eyes. And Josh loses his sneaky smile to face his father. "Please, daddy... Let me go. Let me... die. Go back to your kingdom... and tell everyone I have suffered a horrible death. I will take Peeter, we will leave the Embiggened Forest, go somewhere else. We will live in seclusion. We don't need anything more than each other. You will never have to be humiliated because of me, I will spare you of that... if you spare me too. I am begging you..." Midass looks at his son with some sorrow, as Josh finishes: "Don't take away my happiness..." A pause ensues. The knights stay out of the goings-on. Peeter and Joshooa await a response with anxiety. And the king finally says, "Alright." The two forbidden lovers are caught by relative surprise. "R-really?" Josh says, as though this is too good to be true. "Yes," Midass says, with some compassion he tries to curtain, "Just... just go." Josh gets an urge to hug his father, but curbs it. He and Peeter hold hands. They look at each other and smile happily, through their tears. A happy ending on the horizon. Then, Peeter's face suddenly changes when the arrow pierces through his chest. Josh's eyes widen as his lover loses his strength and stance and falls to the floor, deathly injured. Josh screams out at the top of his lungs, his world shattering before him. He turns to look at the white knight who fired the arrow with disbelief. "Oops," the knight says. The trigger on his crossbow was faulty, and the arrow was fired by accident. Midass looks on with shock, which he then tones down almost instantly, as Peeter perishes before his eyes. "Peeter! Peeter!" Josh cries out to his lover, who grows weaker and weaker, his eyesight dimming. "Josh..." he says, as blood starts to come out of his mouth. "Oh, please, no," Josh sobs, "No no no no no no..." Peeter closes his eyes and loses all his vital signs. Josh breaks down over him, his face getting disfigured. "Well... I am... quite sorry about this, I suppose," Midass says. Josh can't bring himself to look up. The white knight apologizes extensively to the king for accidentally firing the arrow, but Midass brings up his hand to shut him up, as though his apologies aren't necessary. "Well, Josh... I suppose you will be coming back with me after all. I shall be waiting outside. When you're ready, come out and join me." The king turns to leave, followed by his knights, as Josh, filled with disbelief and horrifying pain, continues to shriek over his dead boyfriend. As he exits the shack, King Midass wipes away a single tear. Pornocchio and the Ballserina run quickly, but rather covertly, in their golden knight armors. "This way!" Porn says, and both of them take a left on the golden halls. They face the exit and start walking slowly, helms covering their faces. "Hey, what's up?" Porn says as he walks past the knights that keep guard at the gate. "Sup dude?" one of them says right back. The disguised couple makes it through the bridge, and find themselves in the woods nearing the castle. "Oh my God... we made it," the girl says, with relief. "Not quite, dearie!" The couple is alarmed by the familiar sound of the Dark One, whom they find sitting on a high branch of a tree over them. "Did you really think I would forget about you two? You are, after all, part of the group of escapees, is that not correct? Guards!!" Several golden knights show up suddenly, enveloped in clouds of grey smoke, teleported from inside the castle to be showcased right around the entrapped couple, who look terrified. The knights just look confused to be there. Rumpleforeskin quickly tells them, "These two chums in the middle of your circle are not knights such as yourselves, but rather, escaped prisoners in disguise. Take them back to where they came from." Pornocchio unsheathes the sword he stole from the knight he impaled, and the Ballserina does the same with her own sword, taken from the other knight. But neither one of them has ever had experience wielding a sword before. The true golden knights are quick to disarm them, and both of them are held swords to their throats. Their helms are removed, and the knight who unmasks Pornocchio, and who had never seen him before, asks what the hell he is. Porn spits on his face. Rumple squeals. The two are grabbed and forced to walk with the knights. Rumple waves his hand. And the two knights grabbing Pornocchio suddenly have their necks snapped by an invisible force. They fall dead to the floor, disposable. Pornocchio is surprised. He moves to pick his sword back up and tries to jab one of the knights holding the Ballserina with it, but when the sword hits the armored stomach of the knight, it turns into water. Porn is further surprised, and he can hear the Dark One shrieking from his branch way up high, "Learn to get while the getting's good, son! You were offered your opportunity to escape, take it!!" Pornocchio realizes Rumple released him for some reason, and so do the golden knights, who are intimidated enough to leave the wooden man alone, afraid of incurring the Dark One's wrath. Pornocchio turns away to run off, but he turns back around to face the Ballserina, who simply shouts at him to run. "I'll come back for you! I'm going to find you! I will always find you!" He runs off, afraid, and the Dark One materializes himself on the ground before the Ballserina. "I'm sorry, dearie," he tells her, "This was necessary." "Why?..." she asks, confused, still in the grasp of the knights, "What was?" "That young man," Rumple says, "Well, that young... something. He is important. I can see it." The Ballserina nods, still a bit shaken. "But you know that already, don't you?" Rumple asks, smirking. "I've known it since I met him..." she says, clearly smitten. "And you are important to him as well. I can tell. It's precious, truly. So you too are more important than you probably think. Your little boyfriend... he'll go on to serve a great purpose. So you need to provide him with motivation for that. You need to serve your purpose as well." Taken by a frightening curiosity, the scared Ballserina asks what her purpose is. "Why," he says, with a sickening smile, "To die, of course." Rumple orders the knights to take her back to her cell, and they drag a screaming Ballserina with them, scared out of her mind. "Go fish," Blow White says. Her, the Dog, Rena and Ali are all sat at the same round table as before, playing cards to pass the time. Then, the dual doors to the room are opened abruptly, and the four of them are startled by this. The Evil Queer swoops in, having just opened the doors with magic, and the Imp, trotting about around him, says that it's always impressive when he gets to witness his master using magic. The Queer smirks snidely. "Josh..." Ali says, surprised and frightened. "Is this...?" Rena starts to ask; "Yes," the Dog promptly says, "The Evil Queer." "In living color," the Queer says, entertained by their reaction. His eyes fall on Rena. "So. You must be the alleged 'hero' that is meant to take me down." "You know?" the Dog asks, surprised. "I know EVERYTHING!" the Queer practically shouts, without even looking at the Dog. Still gazing at Rena, he says, "Well. You're quite the looker, aren't you? I know you've been sent here to destroy me and everything, but I feel a sudden urge to rip your heart out and make you my butt friend." Rena looks confused and slightly disgusted. "Josh, please..." Ali starts to say, but the Queer cuts her off, saying, "Ali, I'm disappointed. I honestly thought we had something special. You should know better than to align yourself with those who can get in my way. You've seen first hand what I do to such people." "Josh..." "I could squash all of you like bugs right now," the Queer states. "Aw hell no! You little shit, come here and say that to my face!" Blow blurts out, as she approaches him. The Dog tries to pull her back but she doesn't budge. She comes closer to Josh, and the Imp jumps in front of him and tells her to stay away from his master, but Blow kicks the tiny creature up in the air, throwing it against the wall. She puts herself face to face with the Queer, with a menacing look on hers, against a look of mockery on his. "You don't scare me, bitch. You may have the whole of the Embiggened Forest up in arms about how evil you are, but honey, I sired evil. You're nothing but a little faggot... I can smell penis in your breath." Still smirking, Josh tells her, "Funny, I don't smell penis in your breath. Jealous?" Blow's eyes widen at this good comeback, and she grows annoyed, and, yes, completely jealous. Ali pulls her back successfully, and stands between her and the Queer. "Alright, Josh, you've come, you've made your spectacle, you met Rena. Please leave. I am begging you, go." Josh looks at Rena, who looks a bit scared, and the royal just laughs. "I have no idea what Rumpleforeskin has been smoking, but this is too funny. He actually thinks that scaredy mouse can defeat me?" He faces Rena and says, "Honestly, my friend, I dare you to. Come on. I'll let you take the first swing." Rena doesn't know what to do. He walks slowly towards the Queer. Everyone else just watches with anxiety. Rena tries to feign a severe look and he lunges his closed fist at the Queer's face, but the royal is able to stop him cold on his track by lifting his own hand just in time to freeze Rena's in the air. Rena is confused, and the Queer says, "Well, this doesn't have to be a waste of time." With this, he quickly lunges his right hand inside Rena's chest. "NO!" Ali and the Dog yell simultaneously. Rena hurts as the Queer buries his hand deep in his torso. Then he takes it out... holding nothing. "What the hell...?" the Queer says, incredulous. Rena has no idea what just happened, but he immediately takes another swing at the Queer, this time managing to hit him right in his delicate face. The Queer flies to the floor, and the Imp rushes towards him. "Master!!" Ali and the Dog look at Rena, incredulous as well. "W-what just happened?" Rena asks. Ali smiles. "You happened. You're the Savior. He can't harm you." This said, Ali moves towards the Queer, who picks himself back up. "I believe you are done here, Josh. Please, go." "But..." "Go." He looks at her. At the determined and stern look on her face. The compassion she once felt for him is now gone. And he feels bad about it. To some extent, he knows, that if the woman who was once so understanding towards him is now unable to express sympathy, he must have done something majorly wrong. He turns and starts to leave, upset and annoyed, but he turns back around to say what they all say: "This isn't over." The Queer and the Imp walk out of the room. Ali and the Dog tend to Rena to see if he's okay. In a flashback, Prince Joshooa is seen curled up in his bed, crying. Back in his old bedroom, at his father's castle. King Midass stands alone at the door, talking calmly. "Tomorrow you can return to your palace. Be with your wife. I will arrange all the provisions necessary." Josh doesn't say anything. "I am sorry things turned out this way. I know that you are unhappy. But I also think you don't put in enough effort to try and be happy. Settle for what you have. Because, believe me, you have so much. Try and be happy, son." Midass leaves. Without him knowing, the sad look on his son's face turns to an irate one. And in that moment, Joshooa decides he is going to be happy. At the cost of everyone else's happiness. After all the commotion caused by the Evil Queer's visit, the Big Bad Dog decides that he needs to get some fresh air. He walks out of the blue palace, into the gardens, sighing, and his eyes suddenly fall on the same squirrel he had been so determined to catch before. The one that had successfully made it atop a tree, eluding him, almost as if to mock him. His animalistic side kicks back in, and in the blink of an eye he finds himself running on four paws again, chasing after the non-personified mammal. The Dog dashes after the squirrel through the gardens, rapidly, running as fast as he can, and the squirrel is overcome with adrenalin again as it finds itself running for its life once more. Then, Pornocchio suddenly shows up from the bushes, coming up against the Dog, who is able to stop in time and get back on two paws. Pornocchio brakes suddenly as well, falling back as a result. He stares at the big white dog before him, looking so menacing, and gets back up slowly, looking slightly scared. He is less frightened when he notices that the Dog isn't moving to attack him. So, a big white dog on two legs and a wooden young man stand in the garden, staring at each other, having never seen the likes of each other before. And they ask in unison, "What the hell are you?" Unanswered Questions *Why and how did Rumple bring Rena to the Fairy Tale Land? *Why was Rena running for his life in flashbacks? *What steep price will the Queer have to pay upon casting the curse? *What is Blow's history with red apples? *What made the Dog change from a regular pet to a personified animal? *What are the origin and the content of the prophecy regarding Rena? *How do the stories get crossed over and toned down for Rena's world? *Why did Rumple give Rena a magic condom? *Who killed Anitta Red? *'How did the Queer take his father's kingdom?' *'How did Cinderali make it to the ball?' *'Why couldn't the Queer rip out Rena's heart?'